You Keep Explaining Yourself… But to Who?
I’ve been catching myself doing something I don’t love. And now that I’ve seen it, I can’t unsee it.
I keep explaining myself. Not just the big decisions. Everything. Why I’m doing something, why I’m not, why I changed my mind, why something that used to work for me doesn’t anymore. I’ll have a full internal monologue before I even move, like I’m preparing a statement.
For who?
Because let’s be honest, some of these explanations never even leave my mouth. They live in my head, fully formed and ready, just in case someone asks. Or worse, just in case someone judges.
And that’s when it hit me. I don’t think I’ve been confused. I think I’ve been waiting for permission.
Permission to change. Permission to pivot. Permission to not be the version of myself people recognize. Permission to choose something that doesn’t come with a clean explanation.
Because choosing something new is one thing. Standing on it without over-explaining it? That’s different.
And I don’t think I’ve been as comfortable with that as I thought.
Why do I feel the need to make everything make sense out loud? Why do I need a clear narrative before I can fully commit to a decision? Why does it feel safer to explain something than to just choose it?
I had to sit with that, and the answer wasn’t cute.
Sometimes it’s not about being understood. It’s about being validated. If I can explain it well enough, walk you through it, make it make sense to you, then maybe I don’t have to fully trust myself.
That part bothered me. Because I don’t want to build a life that only feels stable when other people agree with it.
And I think a lot of us are doing that, quietly. We’re not always asking for permission directly, but we’re shaping our decisions in ways that are easier to explain, easier to defend, easier to justify. And in the process, we delay things that already feel right.
I think a lot of us are living in the gap between what we know is right for us and what we can comfortably explain.
And that gap is where we start second-guessing decisions that were already clear. That’s where we overthink things that didn’t need that much thought. That’s where we shrink something that felt aligned into something that feels acceptable.
I’ve been living there. And it’s exhausting.
Some of the decisions I’ve been making lately don’t make perfect sense. Not on paper, not in conversation, not in a way that ties everything together nicely. But they feel right. Not loud. Not dramatic. Just calm in my body. Like I don’t have to convince myself.
When something is actually right for me, I don’t feel the urge to debate it. I feel the urge to protect it. So why am I still trying to explain it? When you start changing, you lose the comfort of being easily understood. People don’t always recognize you. Your decisions don’t line up with who you used to be. You don’t fit neatly into the roles people had you in.
And that can feel uncomfortable. Not because you’re doing something wrong, but because you’re no longer predictable.
And predictability is comfortable for other people.
But comfort for them doesn’t always mean alignment for you.
How Do You Get Out of the Gap?
You don’t jump out of it overnight.
If you’ve been living in that space where you know what’s right but feel like you need to explain it that’s a habit.
A pattern.
A safety mechanism.
So the goal isn’t to suddenly become someone who never explains anything.
The goal is to start loosening your dependence on being understood.
1. Catch yourself in the moment
Before you change anything, you have to notice it.
Pay attention to:
when you start over-explaining
when you rehearse conversations in your head
when you feel that urge to “make it make sense” for someone else
That moment is the gap and instead of immediately going into explanation mode, pause.
Ask yourself:
“Who am I explaining this for right now?”
Not in a judgmental way but curious way.
2. Practice saying less
This may get uncomfortable. You don’t have to go silent overnight. Say the decision… without the full breakdown.
Instead of:
“I’m doing this because XYZ and I’ve been thinking about it for a while and…”
Try:
“I decided this is what’s best for me right now.”
And then… stop talking. Let it sit. You’re going to feel the urge to fill the silence.
3. Let people not get it
This is where most people tap out because it’s not actually the explaining that’s hard…
it’s the possibility that someone will:
question you
misunderstand you
not agree
And you’ll have to sit there and not fix it. That’s the practice. People can misunderstand you and you can still be right for yourself.
4. Build evidence with small decisions
You don’t start with life-altering moves. Start small. Make a decision that feels right…
don’t over-explain it…and watch what happens. Nothing falls apart. That’s how trust is built. Not through affirmations…through lived proof.
5. Get comfortable not having the perfect words
Some decisions won’t come with a clean explanation. And that’s okay. You’re allowed to say:
“I don’t fully have the language for it yet, but I know it’s right for me.”
That’s growth. Not everything has to sound polished to be valid.
6. Check your body, not the audience
You’ve been checking the room:
“Does this make sense to them?”
“Do they agree?”
“Is this landing well?”
Shift it.
Start checking:
“Do I feel settled in this?”
“Do I feel like I’m forcing this?”
“Do I feel like I’m trying to convince myself?”
Your body will tell you faster than your explanations ever will.
You don’t get out of the gap by becoming more confident overnight.
You get out of it by:
tolerating discomfort
making decisions anyway
and not running back to over-explaining to soothe yourself
Some of the most aligned decisions you’ll ever make won’t come with a perfect explanation. They come with a feeling. A knowing. A quiet certainty that doesn’t need a paragraph.
And if you’re not careful, you’ll talk yourself out of it just because you can’t package it neatly enough for other people.
I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to wait until I can explain my life before I live it. I don’t want to shrink my decisions into something more digestible. I don’t want to keep rehearsing my choices like I’m presenting them for approval.
I just want to choose.
And trust that I’ll understand it more clearly as I go. That’s what I’m practicing right now. Not perfection. Not certainty. Just movement. Without over-explaining it. And if I’m being honest, it feels uncomfortable. But it also feels like freedom.
So if you’ve been feeling stuck lately, not because you don’t know what to do, but because you don’t know how to explain it, you don’t need a better explanation. You might just need permission and if nobody’s given it to you yet, give it to yourself.
Here’s some journal prompts I’ve sat with on this topic:
What decisions in your life feel clear to you… but hard to explain to other people?
Who are you trying to convince when you over-explain your choices?
If nobody asked you to justify your life, what would you choose next?
What already feels right that you keep second-guessing?
Do you actually need clarity… or do you need permission?
At some point, you’re going to have to decide if you trust your voice more than you trust being understood.
And I think I’m finally getting there.
